i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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