walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
