Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she told me i tasted like america
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I believe in your delicious
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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