I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
