I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
