Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize