well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
