Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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