Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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