I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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