The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
