being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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