All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize