Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
