Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
