Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
