Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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