shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
