Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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