I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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