critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize