I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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