If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
