she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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