maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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