I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
