My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
