I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
