Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
