Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
