I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
