No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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