The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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