I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
