If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
