I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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