Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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