cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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