in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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