It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize