this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
