He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
