why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
