I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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