Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
