sarcasm needs its own font
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
