I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
