my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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