I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
