omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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