I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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