we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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