Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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