He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
