Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
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