im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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