Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
