does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
