I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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