You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
